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Saturday, August 13, 2005

Mark Jackman: Gigantigest Brain Of All Time

My buddy Tom Rowan is getting married in October, and I'm his best man. Tom also deserves his own posting regarding his greatness, but I didn't just get off the phone with Tom, I got off the phone with Mark Jackman: Gigantigest Brain Of All Time.

Stop distracting me, I'm trying to explain something.

As Tom's best man, I'm responsible for organizing the bachelor party. I wrote an email to introduce myself to everyone Tom wants invited. Before sending it, I wanted to make sure it was well written, so I called Mark Jackman: Gigantigest Brain Of All Time.

Me: "Mark [:GBOAT], I wrote this emal blah blah blah. I need you to give it a quick edit."

Mark Jackman, Gigantigest Brain Of All Time: "OK, give it to me."

Me: "Ready?

Mark Jackman, Gigantigest Brain Of All Time: "Ready."

Me:
My name is Rob and I'm Tom Rowan's best man. I know some of you are saying, "Hey, Rob, how did you become best man? How do I become best man at a wedding?" Well, I'll tell ya. Rather than make the choice himself, Tom staged an "American Idol"-style playoff between all candidate attendants. My acoustic rendition of Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" (accompanied by kazoo and belly slapping, shirt up) won out over Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who performed an interpretive dance of 'Also Sprach Zarathustra' (the opening theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey). When she glided on stage wearing roller skates, oven mitts and a burlap sack, I thought she was a shoe in, but the judges, (Emmanuel Lewis, Chris Elliott and Charles Nelson Reilly,) all thought that Madam Justice was being tacky.
Mark Jackman, Gigantigest Brain Of All Time: "Who was the middle person?"

Me: "Chris Elliott. Is it funny?"

Mark Jackman, Gigantigest Brain Of All Time: "Replace Sandra Day O'Connor with Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's wonderful."

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